A Handkerchief for Maria - 23

Day 23

Billy came home cheerful tonight. Payday, so there were fags, a bottle of beer for him, sweeties for the little ones and no complaints about the bus fare. He even kicked a ball about with little Tommy in the garden when he got home from school, I had to tell him to stop because of his heart. There are times he's like a perfect father, though a woman can never be certain of these things. Billy always said he wanted children but I could see in his eyes after the first three came along that he hadn't wanted it to be his whole life. I know he loves every single one of you, yet still I think sometimes he'd rather be free. When we got together in Dublin I was just so grateful to see him again, he'd been so kind when I was desperate.

McFee's was up towards the Liffey, a good twenty minute walk from Mrs Brown's, and I was running by the time I got to the corner. I hoped my headscarf would hide my face a bit and I knew Billy would be careful, he'd as much to lose as me, but I wanted to make sure there were no soldiers or workmates around to see us together. I needn't have worried. There were no barracks nearby and it was unlikely any of my friends would be out drinking on a week night. The street was quiet and Billy was on his own, in civilian clothes, leaning on the pub wall, smoking, as coolly as you like.

'Good evening, Mr Garner.'

He threw his cigarette end into the gutter and smiled broadly.

'Well, well, if it isn't Maria Ann Byrne. You made it then?'

'I did but I had to promise Mrs Brown .. the lady looking after Josie .. I'd be no later than half past nine to pick him up. We'll only have an hour then I'll have to go.'

We went in and found a booth away from the door. There were just four men at the bar, absorbed in heated conversation about horse racing, and they took no notice of us. Billy and me chose seats where we could keep an eye on anyone coming through the door.

With a pint and a glass of port on the table between us, I told Billy what had happened since we met, and how grateful I was for his kindness. He'd been stopped by another patrol, only two miles from where he'd dropped me and this time he didn't know anyone. They tore him off a strip for being off his route and put three soldiers with him to make sure he made it safely to his destination. If I'd still been in the back they'd have found me for sure.

He didn't talk about the explosion and chase when he'd come in to McFadden's that afternoon, though I'd heard there'd been a hand-grenade thrown in to a truck full of Black and Tans. Billy's squad had been in the one behind and shot two of the three men when they caught them in the lane.

'Recognised you straight away when I saw you behind the counter, even though you've a bit more colour in your cheeks. How's the little feller?'

'He's grand. Getting big and into everything. I can hardly leave him down for a minute without he's pulling at the tablecloth or trying to eat his toys.'

So we talked about everything and nothing, and the hour disappeared in a flash. Billy walked with me as far as Mrs Brown's street, then hopped on a bus, but not before we'd arranged to meet again the following week.

*

The second time Billy and I went out, he'd suggested we went to a different pub, this time some distance from the first. McEwan's was livelier than McFee's so I asked him why he'd chosen it.

'Because we can't get into a pattern. I know all the pubs the soldiers use, so it's easy to avoid them, but your workmates could be anywhere. I reckon the odds of bumping in to one of them are less if we go to a different place each time.'

'Does it matter?'

He looked at me like I'd just fallen from outer space.

'Matter? Of course it matters. Your friends might not know me but within ten seconds of hearing me talk they'll have me down for English and probably a soldier. Then they'll ask questions, to check. Next thing the word will be around and you'll be in deep trouble.'

Billy grabbed my hand across the table.

'Listen. When we were down in Cork last year one of our lads was going out with a local girl and she was found out. A gang of IRA fellers stripped her then shaved her head during the night. When her father heard, he threw her onto the streets rather than go after the blokes who did it. You don't want that happening to you.'

What he'd said terrified me but I was too taken with him to let it show. Instead, I grinned and raised an eyebrow.

'So I should stop going out with you then?' The look on his face was priceless.

'No, that's not what I'm saying. We need to be careful that's all.'

I've always able to get him like that. Tease him, I mean. He never knows when I'm telling the truth or making it up. One of the reasons I'm so fond of him I suppose.

*

Approaching Christmas, Mr McFadden had plenty of overtime on offer and though I wasn't keen, the hours I worked were long enough, the money would come in useful, so I put my name down. It meant Josie and me could have a present each, maybe an extra one for him. On the first payday after the holiday, when most of the overtime money was due, I queued with the rest. Winifred was waiting when I'd collected my wages. She took me by the arm and steered me out of earshot of the other girls. I could smell drink on her breath.

'Any chance of the loan of a few bob, Maria? Lenny, my old man, he went out on the binge over Christmas. Blew the rent.'

I suspected she'd been bingeing too, and pushed my pay packet into my pocket. 'Can't, Winifred. Sorry.'

'Ah come on. I know you'd a few hours extra.'

If it had been one of the other girls I probably wouldn't have thought twice but I wasn't about to give my hard-earned cash to someone who'd drunk away her own.

'I said I'm sorry, didn't I? There's my own rent to pay and Mrs Brown's putting up her prices in the new year. I only took the overtime so I'd have something to get me through the next few months.'

She moved in a flash from being pleasant. Her eyes narrowed and she hissed through clenched teeth.

'I only ask a friend a favour once, Byrne. If they refuse then they mean nothing to me and I'm not going to beg. Just remember what I said.'

Winifred turned away, scanning the pay queue for a new victim, and didn't give me another look.

*

Me and Billy carried on going out at least once a week, more when we could make it. He was good company, always making me laugh, and seemed to enjoy hearing my stories about days in the Emporium. I think he was ashamed of what the British were doing in Ireland because he never spoke of his army life. One time I asked him what he'd done in the War and he said he didn't want to talk about it. All he'd say was that he'd seen things no man should have to see and done things he should never have been asked to do.

As the months went by we drew closer and closer. Billy was fond of Josie and in the better weather the three of us would go walking, always in places where we hoped we wouldn't be seen. On Good Friday the shop was closed and the April sun shone for the first time in weeks. We met Billy early and took the train from Amiens Street out to Howth. Billy sat two seats away from us and all the time I had to stop Josie running to him.

The three of us had a wonderful day walking round the harbour and eating our sandwiches overlooking the water. Then we trekked for miles along the lanes to the station at Sutton. Billy was fit, used to marching and carrying a pack, so hoisting the boy onto his shoulders and carrying him so far was no hardship to him. By the time we arrived, even he was sweating so he treated us to an ice-cream from a man with a cart on the roadside. We made our way to the platform and plonked down on a bench with Josie between us. Then I heard someone chatting away to our left. It was Winifred. I tried to escape but she turned and spotted me. She looked from me to Josie, then to Billy. There could be no doubt we were together, Josie was holding his hand. A smirk crossed her face.

'Why, Maria, out for the day are you? And who's this nice-looking young man?'

'J-just a friend.'

Why I didn't say he was a cousin, or my sister's husband, or anything other than that, I'll never know. Those three words, and the English accent coming from Billy's lips when he said hello to Winifred, set the course for the rest of my life right there.

*

The commotion came in the small hours. Banging first, then the door kicked in. Four faces vivid in the torchlight, all of them angry. I was halfway out of my bed but a strong arm pushed me down again. Josie began crying in the corner and another man shouted him to shut up, but he wouldn't. Not for all the time they were there.

The man who'd shouted joined the other and pinned me to the bed, locking his hand across my mouth. I was struggling. Wriggling and wriggling, expecting one of the others in the house to help but no-one came.

'Now girl. Little birdie tells us you've been with a British soldier.'

Winifred! I gave a frantic shake of my head.

'Don't you be lying to us. We were told and then we watched. Thought you were careful didn't you, but not careful enough. Now we'll make you pretty for your boyfriend.' He turned and shouted. 'Phil, the blade.'

Ten minutes it took them. Two holding my arms and one locking my head while the fourth hacked away my hair. I stopped fighting pretty soon, there was no point against four men, and relaxed as best I could so they'd treat me no rougher.

When they'd done, the one called Phil pressed his nose against mine. I could smell the whiskey on him.

'There, girl, we're finished. Now you pack your things and get out. No-one wants the likes of you around here. Not even your little soldier boy now I'll bet.'

He slobbered a kiss and went to rip apart my nightdress, but the first one spoke.

'Don't Phil. Leave that kind of stuff to the Tans. Let's get out of here.'

There was no doubt who was in charge. Phil let the fabric drop and the four left, slamming my broken door behind them. I sat on the edge of my bed shaking until my baby's cries broke through. Josie was still wailing when I picked him up and carried him to the mirror. I joined the boy when I saw the ragged tufts poking from my pink and bloody scalp.

*

It was four days later when Billy found us, huddled in a shop doorway, only a few hundred yards from his barracks at the Phoenix Park.

When the men had left, I'd gathered up my money and the little I could carry then fled when the men left. At every door in the lodgings, on every landing, the women I thought were my friends spat at my feet when I walked past. I felt so bitter that I almost turned back to my room, tell them all to go to hell, and face it out. But I knew my life there was over. My job would be gone, the landlord would put me out anyway, and Mrs Brown, likely as not, would have nothing to do with us.

There was enough in my purse to pay some rent until I sorted out what to do, but the landlady of every boarding house I knocked at turned me away as soon as they saw what was under my scarf. It wasn't that they were bad or heartless women, just that they couldn't face the trouble I might bring to their door. That first night, after walking all day in the rain, I found a small hotel down by the canal and kept my head firmly covered until Josie and I were safely in our room. It seemed the sort of place where no questions were asked but I hadn't the money to stay for more than one night so it was back into the doorways next morning. I moved as close to the barracks as I could, thinking I'd be safer with a few soldiers on the doorstep.

Billy told me later that he'd been worried when I'd not turned up for our date and went round to my rooms next day with a couple of his army mates. First off, no-one would say anything, then one of the girls told him what happened. I don't know who it was but I think she must have seen he was a decent feller and took pity on us. His friends tried to stop him but he stormed off to search for Josie and me, looking in a lot of the places we'd been together but, of course, didn't find me. Billy knew that quite a few of the soldiers would be seeing Irish women, even those with wives at home, so he went round to as many as he could and asked them if their girlfriends would listen for

any news of me. On the third day he got word that a woman who'd been punished had been going round the lodgings with a child. Then one of the soldiers told him they'd seen someone like that hanging around near the barracks. It didn't take him long to find me then.

I was so grateful to see him that I didn't care who knew and flung my arms round his neck as soon as he called my name. Even little Josie was giggling by the time Billy grabbed both our hands and led us down the street.

*

Billy came to me next day. He'd given me enough cash to stay in a hotel again, somewhere he knew would be safe, and told me he'd sort something out for longer when he could. I was waiting for him in the tea-room when he arrived. He looked concerned so I asked if there was a problem.

'I don't think so. It's just that when I got back some news was out on our leaving date.'

My heart sank. 'When will it be?'

'That's just it, they don't know. We were expecting to be pulling out soon, now that this treaty's signed, but the violence seems to be starting again between them who want a treaty and them who want full independence. It looks like we'll have to stay a while to protect the RIC lads. There's about a dozen of 'em killed in the last fortnight.'

'Does it mean you're going to have to move?'

'Not if you give me the right answer to my next question.'

I leaned back in my chair sharply when a waitress arrived to ask if we wanted to order. Billy flashed a smile and said a cup of tea would be 'champion'. The girl returned his smile. I nodded for the same.

'You made a hit there. I reckon she fancies you.'

'Now, Maria, you know there's only one lass for me' Josie climbed on to his lap and Billy grinned as he ruffled my boy's curls, 'and one lad.'

I couldn't wait any longer. 'So what's this question you need to ask?'

Billy grimaced and stroked his chin. 'I spoke with my sergeant-major last night about what they did to you and he went up the line. The message came back that they'd let you move in to one of our spare quarters. The only trouble is we'd have to get married.'

The words could hardly force their way through my lips. 'Oh, Billy. I couldn't ask you to do that for me. It wouldn't be right.' I was shaking like a leaf.

'Not right? What wouldn't be right about it?'

'Well ... well we've never talked about it and ... and there's Josie. Why would you be willing to saddle yourself with someone like me with a young boy who's not your own?'

'Because I love you.' Words soft as duck down.

'What?'

'You must know I've been crackers about you since we met on the road. I hoped you might feel the same.'

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